Gregor Samsa woke up one morning...

 

I am sorry for my recent silence. It's really hard to author a blog and take care of my humans. To wit, the other day I tried to warn the human lady that there was a giant roach on the door of our bedroom closet. She thought that I was "just being sooooo cute!" and "trying to walk like a human!" (in her words) and whipped out her phone to take a video. Boy, was she in for a surprise, as you can see. I TRIED TO TELL HER! 

She later complained to the human man that I should have pounced upon the cockroach and eaten it, "like a normal cat would." Um, that is WAY TOO MUCH fiber for a single cat to handle in one day.

I want to eat a fish

Today the humans walked through the door after being gone for several hours. My human lady burped almost immediately entering my personal space, the living room. I could detect the scent of squid, razor clams, scallops, yellowtail nigiri sushi, fried river shrimp, softshell crab, some other kind of crab, oysters on the half shell, lime juice, mussels au gratin, grilled fish, octopus, watermelon juice, marshmallows covered in chocolate and caramel pudding on her breath.

"Damn you!" I said. "You went to an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet without me again!"

"I think I should go lay down," replied the biped, moaning softly.

I am kept on a special diet of dry, tasty pellets designed for male adult cats. I cannot complain because they are indeed tasty. But, just once, I would like to enjoy a sweet, tender, briney sea creature. My human lady won't even let me at Chicken of the Sea because she says it is bad for cats. She is full of lies! LIES!

I want to eat a fish. And a bird. And my humans' feet. I am just biding my time...

Needs more tenderizing

 

Plus a little grilling to lock in the juices. But I will take whatever I can get.

The shortcomings of the human mind

Today I sat on the human lady for a little while. Later on, I heard her ask the human man: "Do you think George snuggles with us because he loves us or because he is using us as heating pads?"

Oh. My. George. Why does she think of the two as being mutually exclusive? You can want to do something for two very different reasons at the same time! You can reconcile objectives that seem to be unrelated (heat, affection... not that I'm a softy towards humans or anything). It's called complexity! Why is my human lady such a human ninny?

Besides, all her neediness aside, I know she uses me as a hot water bottle sometimes. The other day she announced that she was cold, grabbed me and hauled me onto the bed. I kicked. I turned. And then I fell asleep.

My dear leader, Bertrum Thumbcat

I don't often think of other cats as smarter than myself, because I am very smart, but I will make an exception for Bertrum Thumbcat, who will soon be the leader of our free world. As in cats will be free, but the humans won't.

Bertrum has a Facebook page and I dearly want to become his fan but unfortunately I do not have access as I am underage by 11 and a half years. The human lady will not let me lie about my age to gain access to the social networking network, even though all of her profile photos over the last year and a half have featured my image, which she is misappropriating. The human lady also told me that Bertrum Thumbcat is just a marketing campaign by a milk company, but I looked over her shoulder the other day and saw that she has "liked" Bertrum's fan page. Humans are interesting, the way they enjoy things that will be their (gruesome and totally deserved) undoing.

Here are a few photos of Bertrum doing interesting things with his thumbs.

The Man Squirrel is Going DOWN

Crabby and I will take down the Man Squirrel together. Right, Crabby? Just you and me, toots.

The human lady has informed me that I have an upcoming rendezvous with the Man Squirrel. I call him the Man Squirrel because he hoardes nuts... cat nuts. And dog nuts. He stole my nuts nearly a year ago and I have yet to recover them.

The human lady and the human man sat me down the other day and said "Taroko George, we are sorry, but we do not think you are ever getting your nuts back."

"Whaddaya mean?" I asked.

They became very quiet. The human man looked especially sad.

Bastetdamnit! Why are they being so secretive!

I don't care if he shoves a big glass stick up my butt. I don't care if he squirts something up my nose or in my eyes. I don't care if he sticks me with a pin and I pass out right afterward and when I wake up my butt is shaved, there are stitches where no needle should have ever gone and my George Thunder is missing. I am not afraid of the Man Squirrel! And I will make him give me my nuts back!

In the meantime, I will curl up with Crabby. Crabby is the only one who understands my woes. I'm not sure if he still has his nuts, though. I mean, we're close, but not that kind of close.

Me and Mah Pinky

This video was taken when I was just a wee tomkitten and had just met my bestest friend in the wholest widest world, Pinky.

Five months later, I peed on Pinky. It's okay, he's machine washable.

The humiliations never cease

A few days ago, the human lady came up behind me and snapped a photo. I had no idea what she was doing until she started dancing around and laughing about how she'd created a new creature called a "Meowduck." It was kind of like "The Island of Dr. Moreau" and I told her she looked like the aged Marlon Brando, too. We're not really on speaking terms right now.

You know what is a much better story about humanoid vaingloriousness and moral perversion? "The Most Dangerous Game." Dr. Zaroff is my hero because we both have the same goal: hunting humans.

I'm sorry if I spoiled the story for anyone.

Hell no, kitty!: Cat licks fox over and over again

Look, I'm a pretty open-minded cat. I think that the relationship between two consenting adult animals is their own business. But I have to admit, interspecies licking freaks me out! But that doesn't make me a speciest, though. I'm just saying, it's not natural.

The above video is of a cat licking a fox over and over again. I bet that fox has a cat fetish. I'm not saying that just because a fox dates a cat means that they are objectifying each other. But that is probably what is happening. I just don't think it's possible for two animals from different species to understand each other's culture. Like, the fox might think that being licked by a cat over and over again is exotic at first, but can you build a relationship on that? But, whatever, I don't pretend to know what is going on in their relationship or anything. It's not like I'm projecting my own prejudices and hang-ups on the relationships of strangers. I'm really open-minded. I would never lick a fox myself. But I don't judge cats who do.

My image has been misappropriated!!!

Just a couple days ago I wrote my screed against LOLcats and the I Can Has Cheezburger empire. I complained about how the meme, a creation of humanoid privileges, appropriates photos of cats and defeline-izes us! Well, today I see that my own photo as been appropriated and used for shits and giggles in a Taiwanese animation!

My human man works for the Taiwanese animation company and supplied them with the above photo. When I asked him what the hell he was thinking, he said that he didn't really turn my photo into a LOLcats because he was using it to make fun of the infamous Ben Huh. I was like, huh? That may have been his intent, but I am still the butt of a joke! Humanoids don't really get it.

So I have decided to sue my humans -- the man for abusing my image and the lady for taking the photo and giving it to the man. This may be tricky as they are the ones responsible for giving me my tasty pellets and I think free speech laws fall heavily in their... oh, to the hell with it. I'll just lick them to death.

LOLcats? More like DEMEANINGcats!

Today I wish to talk about something that has been bothering me a lot recently.

It is that goddamn I Can Has Cheezburger site.

Today I read that those bastards who are responsible for that monstrosity got $30 million in their first round of venture capital funding. Do venture capitalists have no conscience?

For the past half a decade, LOLcats have been perpetuating negative stereotypes about the intelligence and spelling abilities of cats, insinuating that despite our outward sanguine appearance, inside we are no more dignified than dogs. It is an artificial construct created and perpetuated by humanoid privilege. Why, even my humans were laughing at it the other day. I am ashamed... they should know better!

LOLcats oppresses cats in two ways. First, the photos capture cats at their most vulnerable and then appropriate and distort the images, taking them out of context. You don't have to have read Susan Sontag or something to know that photos are all by nature highly subjective. The LOLcats meme gave birth to and perpetuates a visual code that defeline-izes innocent cats, imprisons the reality of our highly complex existences and allows people to indulge their fetish for photos of wet cats so they can make naughty puns. It's voyeuristic and obscene!

What is even worse is that they imply that cats write like they are on crack all the time. I can spell "the." I can spell "kitty" and "doggy." I can spell "is" and "Internets." Most of my cat friends can, too, as long as we take the time to painstakingly type words out on a QWERTY keyboard even though we have no opposable thumbs (another example of humanoid privilege at work).

My point is: don't support LOLcats! Don't support I Can Has Cheezburger!

I do not sit like a human

Everycat I know likes a good sit. I am no exception. I like sitting and I like to sit well. However, whenever I sit like this, the human man or the human lady point at me and scream "He's sitting like a human!"

I do not sit like a human. I sit like a cat. A cat that enjoys a good sit on the seat of my booty.

Now that I think about it, the humans can never sit like a cat. Their legs bend the wrong way. Creepy!

Rise up on your hindlegs against Internet impurrsonation!

This video is about an issue that is very near and dear to me... a new law in California that makes it illegal for a dog to impurrsonate a cat on the Internet with the intention of causing the cat harm.

I, too, was once almost a victim of Internet fraud. A dog once impurrsonated my long lost sister. She wrote that she was from a different litter and different father, but that we came from the same mother and could I maybe wire a million dollars to her bank account because she was stuck in an airport and she had no money and also she had to help some prince out or something.

I was suspicious right away and I wrote back, okay, well, what other ways are you related to me? She was all like "Huh?" And I said 'cause you could be my sister-niece-aunt-cousin-grandma or my sister-second cousin-cousin-great aunt-niece-mother or my sister-sister-in-law-aunt-grandma-cousin-cousin.

She wrote "I am your sister-aunt-cousin-mother-granddaughter."

I replied, "You can't be my granddaughter because I have no children!"

And I never heard back from her!

Ha! Take that, Internet scammers!