Gregor Samsa woke up one morning...

 

I am sorry for my recent silence. It's really hard to author a blog and take care of my humans. To wit, the other day I tried to warn the human lady that there was a giant roach on the door of our bedroom closet. She thought that I was "just being sooooo cute!" and "trying to walk like a human!" (in her words) and whipped out her phone to take a video. Boy, was she in for a surprise, as you can see. I TRIED TO TELL HER! 

She later complained to the human man that I should have pounced upon the cockroach and eaten it, "like a normal cat would." Um, that is WAY TOO MUCH fiber for a single cat to handle in one day.

I want to eat a fish

Today the humans walked through the door after being gone for several hours. My human lady burped almost immediately entering my personal space, the living room. I could detect the scent of squid, razor clams, scallops, yellowtail nigiri sushi, fried river shrimp, softshell crab, some other kind of crab, oysters on the half shell, lime juice, mussels au gratin, grilled fish, octopus, watermelon juice, marshmallows covered in chocolate and caramel pudding on her breath.

"Damn you!" I said. "You went to an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet without me again!"

"I think I should go lay down," replied the biped, moaning softly.

I am kept on a special diet of dry, tasty pellets designed for male adult cats. I cannot complain because they are indeed tasty. But, just once, I would like to enjoy a sweet, tender, briney sea creature. My human lady won't even let me at Chicken of the Sea because she says it is bad for cats. She is full of lies! LIES!

I want to eat a fish. And a bird. And my humans' feet. I am just biding my time...

Needs more tenderizing

 

Plus a little grilling to lock in the juices. But I will take whatever I can get.

The shortcomings of the human mind

Today I sat on the human lady for a little while. Later on, I heard her ask the human man: "Do you think George snuggles with us because he loves us or because he is using us as heating pads?"

Oh. My. George. Why does she think of the two as being mutually exclusive? You can want to do something for two very different reasons at the same time! You can reconcile objectives that seem to be unrelated (heat, affection... not that I'm a softy towards humans or anything). It's called complexity! Why is my human lady such a human ninny?

Besides, all her neediness aside, I know she uses me as a hot water bottle sometimes. The other day she announced that she was cold, grabbed me and hauled me onto the bed. I kicked. I turned. And then I fell asleep.

My dear leader, Bertrum Thumbcat

I don't often think of other cats as smarter than myself, because I am very smart, but I will make an exception for Bertrum Thumbcat, who will soon be the leader of our free world. As in cats will be free, but the humans won't.

Bertrum has a Facebook page and I dearly want to become his fan but unfortunately I do not have access as I am underage by 11 and a half years. The human lady will not let me lie about my age to gain access to the social networking network, even though all of her profile photos over the last year and a half have featured my image, which she is misappropriating. The human lady also told me that Bertrum Thumbcat is just a marketing campaign by a milk company, but I looked over her shoulder the other day and saw that she has "liked" Bertrum's fan page. Humans are interesting, the way they enjoy things that will be their (gruesome and totally deserved) undoing.

Here are a few photos of Bertrum doing interesting things with his thumbs.

The Man Squirrel is Going DOWN

Crabby and I will take down the Man Squirrel together. Right, Crabby? Just you and me, toots.

The human lady has informed me that I have an upcoming rendezvous with the Man Squirrel. I call him the Man Squirrel because he hoardes nuts... cat nuts. And dog nuts. He stole my nuts nearly a year ago and I have yet to recover them.

The human lady and the human man sat me down the other day and said "Taroko George, we are sorry, but we do not think you are ever getting your nuts back."

"Whaddaya mean?" I asked.

They became very quiet. The human man looked especially sad.

Bastetdamnit! Why are they being so secretive!

I don't care if he shoves a big glass stick up my butt. I don't care if he squirts something up my nose or in my eyes. I don't care if he sticks me with a pin and I pass out right afterward and when I wake up my butt is shaved, there are stitches where no needle should have ever gone and my George Thunder is missing. I am not afraid of the Man Squirrel! And I will make him give me my nuts back!

In the meantime, I will curl up with Crabby. Crabby is the only one who understands my woes. I'm not sure if he still has his nuts, though. I mean, we're close, but not that kind of close.

Me and Mah Pinky

This video was taken when I was just a wee tomkitten and had just met my bestest friend in the wholest widest world, Pinky.

Five months later, I peed on Pinky. It's okay, he's machine washable.